Ingredients: Mayonnaise, sweet chilli sauce, 1 chicken breast (uncooked), red pesto, breadcrumbs, mozzarella, 1 tomato, ciabatta roll
1. Wrestle a person of similar height and weight to you, fully nude.
2. After working up an appetite, stop wrestling and go to the kitchen. Remain fully nude.
3. Mix mayonnaise and sweet chilli sauce (approx 65% mayo) in a bowl.
4. Pause to ponder some of the important socio-economic issues raised by outstanding TV drama The Wire.
5. Slice tomato
6. Slice the mozzarella
7. Have a brief think about time travel – Will it ever be possible and how would it work?
8. Cut chicken breast lengthways into 2 pieces (it may separate into more than 2 pieces — if it does, don’t get upset. It’s not all that important in the grand scheme of things and we’ll all be dead in a few years anyway).
9. Coat the chicken pieces generously with red pesto
10. Dip these newly coated chicken pieces into a bowl of breadcrumbs, covering them entirely
11. Heat a small amount of vegetable oil in a frying pan on a high heat on the hob
12. “Some blessed Hope, whereof he knew. And I was unaware” wrote Thomas Hardy. Pause briefly to consider this beautiful piece of poetry because life can’t be solely about cooking.
13. Cut the ciabatta roll open and put it in the toaster on a low setting
14. Switch the grill on. You’ll need that shortly.
15. Place the chicken pieces on the now hot frying pan, turning them occasionally. They’re thin pieces so they’ll cook quickly.
16. Give some thought to a career change. Are you truly happy and fulfilled at present? You’re not, are you? Life’s short, you know. Might be worth looking at some night classes.
17. Take the bread out when it’s ready and spread the mayo/sweet chilli sauce on the bottom slices.
17. Next, place the tomato slices on and then add the mozzarella
18. Place this magnificent beast under the grill for a minute to melt the mozzarella
19. Weep openly for the fundamental melancholy of human existence.
20. Take it out of the grill and place the chicken atop the mozzarella.
21. Put the top slice of bread on and admire your handiwork. Eat it if you’re into that sort of thing.
22. Get dressed.